I know you hate that I think this way
I could be wrong, but the chances ain’t great
I know your calls, your sweet messages
will go from daily, just to make me smile
to plain necessary…
– Solange, “I Told You So”
“I’m wondering what happens when this isn’t enough for you,” you say. You hate to say you know how this works; that at the beginning–the “Oh my God, could this be real” phase–you’re seeing the end. You tell him you’re falling. That’s a lie. You’re choosing. Feet planted on solid ground. Refusing to be swept away.
You chose this–the 500 miles between you and him–because it doesn’t disrupt your carefully-crafted existence. When it ends (and you know it will), it’s a clean break. No shared spaces, communities, or friends. Just a few “unfollows” and a deleted text thread. Voila! All gone.
“I feel like you need to be still right now and I wonder what happens when you’re ready to move again,” you say. At some point, he will want more than your arms-length approach. Permission to leave it in post-coitus. Consideration of his unsolicited opinions. Submission to his spontaneous nature. Room to dream of relocation to a sexy city outside the safety of the Midwest, a Vegas elopement, dropping your last name, a kid, a dog.
“Don’t worry about that,” he says. “You’re everything I could want in a woman.”
You don’t worry. You just know.
Five months later, morning texts fade to one-sided threads and calls on the drive home from the bar turn into days of silence and “I love yous” become “I’m sorrys.” You’re driving home from work thinking of nothing in particular when “He always got them fuckin’ excuses“ blares from the radio and rips through you like an electric current.
How many more apologies and justifications can you absorb before you’re stalking Instagram likes and Twitter replies for answers?
He’s decided you’re no longer enough.
You breathe a sigh of relief.