Decisions.

Two days after Brett Kavanaugh was confirmed to the United States Supreme Court, I called my gynecologist’s office.

I’ve known for the last ten years that I do not want to have children. I’ve stated it. Defended it loudly to people who insisted the “right” man could change my mind or “anything could happen.” Nodded firmly when potential suitors ask “Really? NEVER?” You could say I’ve avoided serious commitment during my fertile years to make sure love didn’t weaken my resolve. But I never discussed sterilization with my doctors.

Sure. After terminating a pregnancy at 25, I told friends “If I could have all this shit tied, cut, and burned up, I’d do it in a heartbeat.” Still, checkup after checkup, I remained silent. I heard too many horror stories of doctors petting female patients on the head and cooing “What if you change your mind?” and “But you’re so young.” My sex life was sporadic at best and almost always included condoms. There was always Plan B. If worse came to worse, as I dead-panned to my last boyfriend when he joked about getting me pregnant: “I would not be pregnant for very long.”

Then the Supreme Court turned conservative. And I had to consider a world where I don’t have the power or resources to make decisions about my body.

“How long have you been thinking about tubal ligation?” my doctor asked yesterday.

“Honestly? For the last ten years. I just didn’t say anything because I thought I was too young. But I turned 35 and thought ‘It’s time.'”

She nodded. “Okay.”

That was it. She didn’t ask about my sexual habits or if I was dating or in a relationship or if I intended to marry one day. She said “Okay,” and talked me through the process.

“You know,” I said, once we talked appointment dates, “I came in here prepared to defend myself. I feel like I’m always explaining that parenthood is too big a task to be ambivalent about.”

She smiled. “I trust women to make decisions about their bodies. If you’ve thought about it this long, you know what you want. And you’re absolutely right.”

7 Comments

  1. Pingback: Is This the End? – The Skinny Black Girl

  2. a) I applaud you making this decision! I was debating doing this myself after my whole situation with fibroid tumors, but then decided (thanks to family and the ‘what if’ factor) to just get the tumor removed.
    b) I applaud your doctor because too often, we’re forced to try and defend our choices and it’s like…please, back it up.
    c) this in a tiny way reminded me of when I decided to get breast implants a year ago, as far as “how long have you been thinking of doing this” LITERALLY a decade.

    • My procedure’s coming up in a couple of weeks. When I think of finally having this done, I have a deep sense of peace and completion. It’s hard to feel accomplished when my main goals are “avoid the stuff I don’t want to do.” Doing this feels good.

  3. Ileece

    I applaud and am proud of you for making the decision. We as women should always be able to make deciuabout our bodies. After all they are our bodies. Living in a world where we can’t make those types of decisions shouldn’t be allowed.

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